What is the Collaborative Divorce Model?
In a typical collaborative divorce, each spouse hires an attorney and a trained mental health professional known as a divorce coach.  Together, the couple may hire a neutral financial specialist and, if needed, a child specialist as well. In essence, when you participate in a collaborative divorce, you hire a team of divorce support professionals representing the three main components of a divorce – the legalities, the finances and the emotional aspects.

As a way to preserve funds, people considering using this model for the dissolution of marriage or legal separation often ask if they really need to hire a divorce coach, especially when they already have a therapist. My standard response is, "No, you don't have to use a coach and, for that matter, you don't need an attorney to represent you either."

While a coach may seem like a luxury item that an already expensive divorce can't justify, in most instances, it is not. Most divorces, even those less contentious, involve heated emotions over core issues such as how often you and your ex will see the kids, whether you will receive or pay support and who will keep the house. When people experience highly charged emotions (anger, fear and guilt are most common in divorce situations) or feel extremely threatened, they tend to act rashly and make decisions they regret later.

What is the Role of the Divorce Coach?
The role of the coach is to help manage and contain intense feelings as they arise in the dissolution process so they don't interfere with making decisions that may impact the parties for many years to come. A coach is distinct from a therapist in that a coach doesn't delve into understanding why a person feels as they do, they simply help manage the feelings. A wonderful analogy I once heard illustrates well, the difference between a therapist and a divorce coach is:  a therapist is someone you bring your luggage to and she helps you open it up and decipher the contents; a divorce coach is someone you bring your luggage to and, without opening it, she helps you carry it across the street.

Coaches can also help with keeping lines of communication open between spouses. By modeling healthier ways of talking and, more importantly, listening to one another, the coaches often prove vital to facilitate the divorcing couples' discussions and negotiations. 

Doesn't a Coach Drive Up the Costs?
Ironically, although it is another paid person working in the case, a coach usually saves the client money because, unknowingly, and all too often, clients treat their attorneys as their emotional and mental sounding boards. They talk to their lawyer about their challenges and the dynamics with their spouse and, while some of this is pertinent to the outcome of the case, at $300 and up an hour, this is incredibly expensive therapy! Not only that, but lawyers aren't trained to deal with their clients emotions (although I know many have a natural capacity for this and are, perhaps frustrated therapists!)
 
If you were contemplating remodeling your kitchen, would you ask the electrician to also check to make sure the plumbing was OK? Probably not. Yet this is what clients who use their attorneys as therapist are doing.

It is ultimately your decision if you choose to utilize your attorney for more than just a legal resource, but you should be aware of the costs and limitations of doing so.

The Long-lasting Impact of Collaborative Divorce Coaches
Collaborative divorces are not magic – in fact, they can actually be harder to endure than traditional divorces or mediation because they challenge each person to operate from a much more mature level of functioning. On the other hand, the benefits are immense and long lasting. Exes often begin implementing the tools the coaches model to work with each other by talking through the difficulties and compromising instead of acting out in some way.

Couples may actually learn healthier ways to communicate with one another, co-parent and get through difficult situations. According to Peggy Thomson, PhD and attorney Pauline Tesler, co-authors of Collaborative Divorce, "about one in ten of our couples decide to get back together because they've learned some basic problem-solving and communication skills."  

Case Study: Liza and Tom
A few years ago, a woman named Liza came to see me for therapy. She was so angry with her husband, Tom, for announcing to her the week before that he wanted a divorce. She asked why and he told her that he hadn't been happy for the past three years (since the birth of their second child). She then asked him why he hadn't shared his feelings earlier; he said he hadn't wanted to hurt her. Sarcastically she said, "I guess he saw nothing wrong with devastating me!"

Coming from this place of utter hurt and rage, Liza was going to hire the toughest attorney in the county and "put the screws to Tom."  In our initial meetings, Liza didn't care about the impact her vengeful actions might have. She wanted him to hurt just the way she did.

In time, I got her to see the value of separating her emotions from the process she was about to undergo in service to her children. I let her know that, because the children would get hurt, and because she was going to have to co-parent with Tom for many years to come, it would be worth her looking into collaborative divorce.

After researching her options of mediation, litigation and collaborative divorce, she agreed to give the collaborative process a try. Tom was also willing to give it a try. There were several points at which both of them needed to take a break or be calmed down by their coaches, but they were ultimately able to get through the process.

When the divorce papers were signed, just over a year after starting the dissolution process, Liza thanked me and told me that she actually felt closer to Tom than ever before. She was still sad and even a bit angry, but she had learned a great deal about containing her grief and keeping her side of the street clean, so to speak, by not lashing out verbally at Tom.

The Potential Downsides of Using a Divorce Coach
An obvious drawback to having a coach is that it adds another bill to pay. In general, the Collaborative process has higher fees initially than the alternatives. This can make clients nervous and feel more overwhelmed until they learn more about the role of the coaches.

Because it is often perceived as an extra, husbands and wives don't always see eye to eye on the value of coaches. In some situations, one spouse may want a coach and the other might not. This can be resolved by using one coach or no coach at all, but this sets up problems of a different kind. The person who doesn't have a coach may feel disempowered and/or the person who wanted a coach and didn't hire one, may feel disempowered.

Finally, it's more cumbersome to have another set of professionals in the mix when trying to schedule appointments to meet. It is common for husbands and wives to meet separately with their coaches but when there are six- or eight- way sessions (two attorneys, two coaches, the financial and child specialists and the divorcing couple), scheduling can get zany.

How Not to Use Divorce Coaches
Every once in a while, there are clients who say they want to see how the divorce goes before they decide if they want to hire divorce coaches. In theory, this makes great sense, but in practice, this is a recipe for disaster. All too often in these cases, the coaches are called in only after the tensions have risen to levels that are off the charts.

The coaches must then try to clean up the wreckage and get the case back on track. By that time, the divorcing couple is usually so distraught, hurt or distrustful of one another that the Collaborative modality can't withstand the pressure and the case "falls out" of the collaborative law process (must be terminated).

These cases might have had a very different outcome if coaches had been used from the start, but when coaches are brought in and the case continues to deteriorate, the clients' skepticism of the benefit of coaches seems well-founded. But coaches can't stop a case from going south late in the game any more easily than brakes can stop a train that has built up speed and momentum. In fact, it's better to start out using a coach and not use them later in the case, than it is the other way around.

The Ultimate Up-side to Using Divorce Coaches
There is no doubt that the Collaborative divorce process may seem more complicated and require more maturity and stamina than other marital dissolution processes, but for those who can endure it, there are many long-lasting and meaningful benefits.

Coaches are generally very benefitial to divorcing couples during their divorce and for many years to come. They encourage better communication, problem-solving skills and compassion between spouses. They help calm the waters and keep the divorce on track by containing heated emotions.

As to whether it's worth the extra cost to hire a coach, that is something only you can decide. However, my guess is that unless you can divorce without these intense feelings, you would be wise to employ a Divorce Coach on your Collaborative Divorce team.

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Susan Pease Gadoua is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder and director of the Transition Institute of Marin (T.I.M.). Based in San Rafael, California, T.I.M. provides support and education to divorcing women and men. Susan is the author of the upcoming book Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger Publications, Inc. © 2007– release date August 2008). Read Susan Pease Gadoua’s biography.

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